I haven't written in the last few months not because I haven't had anything to say, but because most of the things that I had to say weren't exactly "positive". Well, they were slightly, mostly "positive" that things, my life, would never be the same.
I stopped writing because I didn't want my negativity to rub off on those around me. It was a struggle to keep a semi-positive attitude and honestly, there were (and still are) times that I failed miserably. But here I am, 8.5 months later, living, still alive, surviving and more importantly, thriving.
Life has been full of ups and downs these last few months, but overall it has been the biggest learning experience that I have ever faced...and I'm sure that the lessons aren't anywhere near complete - because my recovery still continues everyday.
I have learned that I can take a hell of a lot! -of pain, frustration, heartache, intense feelings, no communication, lack of support and the list continues. I only had 4 people here to truly support me and offer me help. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have survived...and I truly mean that. I had them showering me, taking me to doctors, making me meals, talking with me, and serving me. Those are things that make one extremely vulnerable (especially the showering one) but it was something that I just had to endure...I couldn't do it myself, so I had to rely on others to help me do what I, at the time, couldn't.
When I look back I see that I have had to learn that life is too short to take everything so seriously and to heart. Just because people are pissed or don't understand, doesn't mean that it is about me...it's their stuff, not mine. I have my own stuff that I need to take responsibility for and let others take responsibility for theirs and not put their emotional baggage on me.
I have finally (at the tender age of 26.5) figured out what I want in life...and I refuse to be swayed by the opinions of others. It is my life...and they may not understand my reasons or desires to want to attain certain things, but then again, they don't have to. The only ones that I need to please and God, my husband and myself...that's it. That sounds mean, cold-hearted even, but I have learned that I am not going to please everybody with who I am/what I am doing/going to do. I know that my desires have a godly purpose and that they are within me because of Someone bigger than me who has put them there so that I can utilize all of the experiences that I have endured to help those who hurt.
I still attend Physical Therapy...twice a week...it is a struggle everyday still to get up and do the exercises that I have to in order to gain what was lost...I am hopeful that a change will come. That I will be able to walk...to face those who doubted, those who refused to accept reality, and walk through life being a stronger, better individual.
It is when one has to face the mortality of the self that these issues truly arise.
15 Weeks
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
It is amazing to me to think back on these last 4 months and to see all that has happened, both good and bad. I am amazed that I have made it this far. Surviving this ordeal is something that I truly didn't think would happen. But now, I've got to move beyond surviving. I need to move onto living, which is the hardest thing to do since my whole life has changed. Everyday I am faced with the realization of what I can't do. I know, you're thinking "don't be a pessimist", but that is much easier said than done. Because some days I can stand for a few minutes on my right leg and get something out of the cupboard and other days I can barely take myself to the bathroom. There is a dichotomy between what I want to do and what my body CAN do. Don't get me wrong, I push myself (more than I should, just ask Tim), but there are truly things that I can't do. Let me give you a glimpse into my life...
I can't cook by myself. Not because I don't know how to cook, but because I don't have the attention span to be able to sit there and complete it. I tried to make eggs for myself a few weeks ago (when I was home alone) and while I was cooking, I left the room. I didn't think there was anything wrong with that! But apparently, there was. My dog, Lassie, came into the room where I was at to alert me that I was in danger of burning the house down. Thank God for her! I felt like such a doofus. I mean, I like to cook, but now, I'm restricted to doing it only when Tim is home.
If it weren't for Tim, I truly don't think that I would be able to survive...there are only so many things that I can't really "hurt" in the microwave.
I can't cook by myself. Not because I don't know how to cook, but because I don't have the attention span to be able to sit there and complete it. I tried to make eggs for myself a few weeks ago (when I was home alone) and while I was cooking, I left the room. I didn't think there was anything wrong with that! But apparently, there was. My dog, Lassie, came into the room where I was at to alert me that I was in danger of burning the house down. Thank God for her! I felt like such a doofus. I mean, I like to cook, but now, I'm restricted to doing it only when Tim is home.
If it weren't for Tim, I truly don't think that I would be able to survive...there are only so many things that I can't really "hurt" in the microwave.
13 weeks
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I think that it is appropriate to write something on the 13th week of my recovery. These last 13 weeks have stunk more that I can say (without getting too graphic or offensive). Let's recap!
11/18/10 - Surgery occurred. Had a stroke during surgery.
11/20/10 - Sent home from the hospital for the first time.
11/21/10 - Returned to the hospital after a Physical Therapy Evaluation.
11/23/10 - Released from the hospital for the second time.
11/30/10 - Began Physical and Occupational Therapies at Mountain Valley Regional Rehabilitation Hospital. - Best place to get therapy following a stroke.
12/8/10 - First post-op visit with neurosurgeon.
12/12/10 - The beginning of the world's longest migraine.
12/20/10 - Lost my job due to not being able to return within a "reasonable amount of time".
12/21/10 - Visit to the neurosurgeon which turned into another stay at St. Joe's.
12/23/10 - Released from St. Joe's for the third time.
1/4/11 - Another visit to the neurosurgeon. He almost cries because I'm not "fixed".
1/10/11 - Neurosurgeon refuses to write out another prescription for me to continue therapy.
2/1/11 - Begin seeing Naturopathic doctor to see if they can offer any relief from the migraines. Acupuncture treatments begin.
I know that doesn't bring this exactly up to date, but things have remained fairly stagnant during these last few weeks.
The biggest daily struggle that I am facing is just learning how to handle this "new" phase of life. It is difficult to go from walking to being in a wheelchair and unable to walk. Everyday I am faced with the reality that my leg doesn't work the way that it should, very frustrating. I continue to do therapy at home, with Tim's help. Recovery is slow going, at best, and requires a great deal of effort to try everyday to do something.
Thanks for all of your support during this time.
Heather
We don't realize how much we rely on something until it is taken away.
11/18/10 - Surgery occurred. Had a stroke during surgery.
11/20/10 - Sent home from the hospital for the first time.
11/21/10 - Returned to the hospital after a Physical Therapy Evaluation.
11/23/10 - Released from the hospital for the second time.
11/30/10 - Began Physical and Occupational Therapies at Mountain Valley Regional Rehabilitation Hospital. - Best place to get therapy following a stroke.
12/8/10 - First post-op visit with neurosurgeon.
12/12/10 - The beginning of the world's longest migraine.
12/20/10 - Lost my job due to not being able to return within a "reasonable amount of time".
12/21/10 - Visit to the neurosurgeon which turned into another stay at St. Joe's.
12/23/10 - Released from St. Joe's for the third time.
1/4/11 - Another visit to the neurosurgeon. He almost cries because I'm not "fixed".
1/10/11 - Neurosurgeon refuses to write out another prescription for me to continue therapy.
2/1/11 - Begin seeing Naturopathic doctor to see if they can offer any relief from the migraines. Acupuncture treatments begin.
I know that doesn't bring this exactly up to date, but things have remained fairly stagnant during these last few weeks.
The biggest daily struggle that I am facing is just learning how to handle this "new" phase of life. It is difficult to go from walking to being in a wheelchair and unable to walk. Everyday I am faced with the reality that my leg doesn't work the way that it should, very frustrating. I continue to do therapy at home, with Tim's help. Recovery is slow going, at best, and requires a great deal of effort to try everyday to do something.
Thanks for all of your support during this time.
Heather
We don't realize how much we rely on something until it is taken away.
8 week update
Friday, January 14, 2011
It has now been 8 weeks since Heather's surgery. Things have been pretty stagnant during this time, hence the lack of updates. Below you will find a list of the obstacles that face us daily in this recovery process.
1) Heather is still unable to walk due to her left leg being numb, weak and unable to move on its own. Because of this, she uses a wheelchair to get around the house.
2) She is not allowed to be left alone for long periods as she is still considered a "fall risk".
3) Heather is also faced with the reality of the injury that her brain has sustained. This includes (but is NOT limited to): forgetting what she was doing, inability to concentrate/focus, using the wrong words in sentences and leaving tasks unfinished.
4) Heather has been suffering from a migraine for over 4 weeks now, with no medication working to reduce the pain.
Basically, things have not changed within the last 8 weeks. We are still faced daily with the "tasks of daily living". Heather needs to be supervised during most tasks in order to maintain her safety. This process is a long, arduous task that will not be completed within a few weeks (as we have learned). We will continue to update, so please check back on Heather's progress.
1) Heather is still unable to walk due to her left leg being numb, weak and unable to move on its own. Because of this, she uses a wheelchair to get around the house.
2) She is not allowed to be left alone for long periods as she is still considered a "fall risk".
3) Heather is also faced with the reality of the injury that her brain has sustained. This includes (but is NOT limited to): forgetting what she was doing, inability to concentrate/focus, using the wrong words in sentences and leaving tasks unfinished.
4) Heather has been suffering from a migraine for over 4 weeks now, with no medication working to reduce the pain.
Basically, things have not changed within the last 8 weeks. We are still faced daily with the "tasks of daily living". Heather needs to be supervised during most tasks in order to maintain her safety. This process is a long, arduous task that will not be completed within a few weeks (as we have learned). We will continue to update, so please check back on Heather's progress.
December 9th update
Thursday, December 9, 2010
An update regarding where things currently are:
1) We are still in limbo with AHCCCS and have not heard anything from them in either direction.
They required all of the information to be into their office by December 2nd.
2) Heather is continuing with the rehabilitation process by going to physical and occupation therapies 2 times a week. This is to help her re-learn how to put clothes on, move her left hand and leg, speak, aid in memory issues, stand and move, as well as a myriad of other tasks. They do not believe that she will make a full recovery. They believe that Heather will never walk again without assistance from a walker.
3) Heather went to the neurosurgeon's office on December 8th for a post-operative appointment. They are in the process of scheduling another MRI, neurological testing and another surgical consult.
1) We are still in limbo with AHCCCS and have not heard anything from them in either direction.
They required all of the information to be into their office by December 2nd.
2) Heather is continuing with the rehabilitation process by going to physical and occupation therapies 2 times a week. This is to help her re-learn how to put clothes on, move her left hand and leg, speak, aid in memory issues, stand and move, as well as a myriad of other tasks. They do not believe that she will make a full recovery. They believe that Heather will never walk again without assistance from a walker.
3) Heather went to the neurosurgeon's office on December 8th for a post-operative appointment. They are in the process of scheduling another MRI, neurological testing and another surgical consult.
November 29 - Update
Monday, November 29, 2010
Since Heather has been home, not much has changed.
She still cannot feel her left leg or move it by herself. Her entire left side is weak and numb. She is in pain and sick to her stomach most of the time.
She starts physical and occupational therapies this week.
She still cannot feel her left leg or move it by herself. Her entire left side is weak and numb. She is in pain and sick to her stomach most of the time.
She starts physical and occupational therapies this week.
Heading home again
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
After consults with neurosurgeons, neurologists, OT, and PT, they're sending us home again. Still numb on the left side and very weak. Going to see what happens in the next several days and follow up with the docs.
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