As the months turn...

I haven't written in the last few months not because I haven't had anything to say, but because most of the things that I had to say weren't exactly "positive". Well, they were slightly, mostly "positive" that things, my life, would never be the same.

I stopped writing because I didn't want my negativity to rub off on those around me. It was a struggle to keep a semi-positive attitude and honestly, there were (and still are) times that I failed miserably. But here I am, 8.5 months later, living, still alive, surviving and more importantly, thriving.

Life has been full of ups and downs these last few months, but overall it has been the biggest learning experience that I have ever faced...and I'm sure that the lessons aren't anywhere near complete - because my recovery still continues everyday.

I have learned that I can take a hell of a lot! -of pain, frustration, heartache, intense feelings, no communication, lack of support and the list continues. I only had 4 people here to truly support me and offer me help. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have survived...and I truly mean that. I had them showering me, taking me to doctors, making me meals, talking with me, and serving me. Those are things that make one extremely vulnerable (especially the showering one) but it was something that I just had to endure...I couldn't do it myself, so I had to rely on others to help me do what I, at the time, couldn't.

When I look back I see that I have had to learn that life is too short to take everything so seriously and to heart. Just because people are pissed or don't understand, doesn't mean that it is about me...it's their stuff, not mine. I have my own stuff that I need to take responsibility for and let others take responsibility for theirs and not put their emotional baggage on me.

I have finally (at the tender age of 26.5) figured out what I want in life...and I refuse to be swayed by the opinions of others. It is my life...and they may not understand my reasons or desires to want to attain certain things, but then again, they don't have to. The only ones that I need to please and God, my husband and myself...that's it. That sounds mean, cold-hearted even, but I have learned that I am not going to please everybody with who I am/what I am doing/going to do. I know that my desires have a godly purpose and that they are within me because of Someone bigger than me who has put them there so that I can utilize all of the experiences that I have endured to help those who hurt.

I still attend Physical Therapy...twice a week...it is a struggle everyday still to get up and do the exercises that I have to in order to gain what was lost...I am hopeful that a change will come. That I will be able to walk...to face those who doubted, those who refused to accept reality, and walk through life being a stronger, better individual.

It is when one has to face the mortality of the self that these issues truly arise.